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Willie: Yet Another Open Letter, This Time For The Lunch Offender

C’mon, dude.

The new Willie is putting a lot of work these days. I sweat through my suit every single day because I believe in being successful at what I do, and increasing the company’s bottom line. The only period of solace that I get during the day is that hour (or less) that I get in the middle of the day for lunch.

Yesterday I got up extra early to grill a nice, fresh chicken breast for lunch, along with some broccoli and rice. I’m trying to get right, you know. I packaged it in an airtight, recyclable plastic container and then wrapped the whole thing in a Target bag. Secured with a knot, mind you. You’d have to cut it open to get into it.

So imagine my dismay when I open the fridge at lunch, only to discover that the bag had been torn open. Somebody opened the bag to see what was in it! They couldn’t have possibly confused it for another Target bag, because mine was the only one in there. But I see these types at every job – lunch molesters. They troll through the fridge looking for bits and pieces of other people’s food because they’re too _______ cheap to get their own.

Sorry – the new Willie got a little carried away. That’s not in my nature.

Luckily, the food inside my container was untouched. I launched an immediate inquiry, but couldn’t turn up any leads. Nobody wants to be a breakroom snitch. I get it. Somebody’s lunch gets molested and nobody wants to do anything about it? Fine. I’m watching all of you. Whenever you go into the breakroom i’m right behind you, breathing over your shoulder.

I will  find out who violated my lunch, and you will answer to me. Believe that.

Posted in The Corp Whore, Willie and tagged ,

Willie:Open Letter To The Dude That Came To Work Sick

Dear Ol’ Dude:

Just for the record, we’re still cool. I know that I have trouble remembering your name, but i’ll eventually get it. Anyway – here’s my gripe:

While I can appreciate the fact that you work just as hard as anyone in this building, there are certain times where you just have to stay home. I hardly ever get sick, and when I do it’s usually because of coworkers who show up and spread their sickness around. Case in point: you showing up at work with pinkeye the week before last.

When I shook your hand that Thursday morning and saw your crusty, reddened eye, I knew it was too late. I ran to the restroom and immediately washed my hands. If I could have doused my eyes with hand sanitizer without the fear of blindness, I would have. That Friday, I woke up with a little dryness in my eye. That Saturday, pinkeye was in full effect.

As you should know by now, the new Willie hates to miss work. I would have gladly gouged my eye out if it meant not having to call in, but having two eyes is pretty important to me. Do you know how hard it was for me to call in last Monday? I can’t lie – I cursed your name not because you gave me pinkeye, but because you kept me away from the one thing that has come to define my life – my job. While it’s true that I went to the doctor and he prescribed some stuff that cleared it up by Tuesday, I reluctantly volunteered to call in for the rest of the week because 1)I didn’t want any latent / residual traces of pinkeye to infect anybody else and 2), I wanted to see if you had infected others.

So as I sat home all week and caught up on my DVR viewing, longing to return to work even though I was medically cleared to do so, my thoughts went out to those who may have been affected by your indiscretion. Like I said – we’re still cool, but you need to keep your sickness at home next time.

Willie

Posted in The Corp Whore, Willie and tagged ,

Willie: Open Letter To The Young Folks At Work

Dear young people at the job:

I wanted to take a few moments to share some of my new found universal wisdom with you. Because of my recent enlightenment and current probational status, i’ve learned to look at the workplace in a completely different light. I was once where you are: young, spirited, vibrant, eager to share my life experiences with everyone within earshot. But now that i’m in my mid 30s I understand the value of keeping my head to the grindstone at work.

Before you start to assume that this letter is going in a certain direction, let me make it clear that I have nothing but absolute admiration for all of you. I find myself perpetually amused by your anecdotes about going to the club 5 nights a week. Your tales of trying to bed young, drunken, unsuspecting women against their will are totally appropriate in a work setting. Watching the small group of you joking and playing around while the rest of us are working 12 hours a day is not unlike watching children at play – it makes my heart smile. I’m fond of your ability to bring all of your relationship drama into the workplace, especially since the nature of my job prohibits me from ever holding onto a meaningful relationship.

Thank you for giving your baby’s father the phone number to the office. I feel honored to screen your calls for you even though you have a cell phone. Some of the arguments that you have with him during office hours are also appropriate for the workplace. Through your conversations with him, I understand that he could be a better father; heck , all of us understand because we hear every conversation that you have with him. I’m especially fond of the fact that you find it necessary to debrief us after each call, without realizing that we could hear your entire conversation.

To the young college grads who are making as much as I am even though i’ve been in the industry over 10 years: congratulations. The industry has rewarded you for your inexperience. Hopefully we’ll all still remain in contact 10 years from now when the industry begins to erode your salary and hires people 10 years your junior who are willing to do your job at half the price.

To the young dudes who’ve never had a “real” job before this one: I appreciate your invites to happy hour every single week. Although i’ve never accepted your invitation and never will, i’m nonetheless impressed by your persistence. Please…. continue to ask me every single week, and i’ll keep coming up with new and inventive ways to say “no”.

Fianlly, I want to thank all of you for your absenteeism. When I was hired on a while back, I was sold on a meager 8 hour workday. Because most of you call in on a routine basis, I have the pleasure of covering your workloads and working anywhere from 10-12 hours on a given day. That’s a blessing that wouldn’t be possible without management’s unwillingness to do a damn thing about it you wanting to experience life in its fullness outside of work. The old Willie used most of the excuses that you all use to skip work, though I must admit that some of his were a lot more imaginative than yours. I’d include some examples here, but the new Willie isn’t too proud of his past.

In conclusion, i’d like to thank management for hiring you based on your ability to charm them during the interview, and not on your merits. It really shows that they base their decisions on your ability to make an impression, and not on your actual experience and qualifications. It’s definitely made this company a more interesting place to work for.

-Willie-

Posted in The Corp Whore, Willie and tagged ,

Willie: Sorry – I Didn’t Want To…

I am riddled with guilt today.

Yesterday I commented that I was looking forward to a 14 hour workday because 2 of my coworkers called in. Well, the company sought to make me more of a man and tacked 2 more hours on to that. Thus, my work day began at 7 am and ended at 11pm. Most people would complain about spending 2/3 of a day at work, but this is the new Willie. New Willie knows that sometimes (meaning 4 times a week) you just have to hunker down and grin and bear it. Doing someone else’s work for them while they’re out golfing can be quite a fulfilling experience. At the very least, I can say that i’ve gained valuable experience in working through adversity, right?

The unfortunate side effect of all this is that my body was absolutely fatigued when I woke up morning. I couldn’t even make it to my feet. In fact, I had to crawl to my computer to type this post. I had no choice but to – gulp – call in today. I tried, yet failed to muster up the strength to pull through my condition; but alas, my body could move no further. A part of my soul wept as I lifted my 3 ounce phone, which felt like the burden of Atlas upon his shoulders. It took what seemed like forever for me to dial the 10 digits to my supervisor’s desk. He answered; my voice, trembling and remorseful, informed him that I was physically incapable of coming in today. Despite his most passionate pleas, I regrettably could not bring myself to go to work. I ended my call and went back to sleep, utterly disappointed in my inability to persevere.

Mind you, this was not a “revenge call in”. My conscience no longer allows for that. I need this day of rest so that I am fully capable of making a full contribution to the company upon my return. I apologize to any coworkers who are affected by my absence. I intentionally locked my desk yesterday so that no one would be burdened with my work if I should ever unexpectedly call in today. My heart aches with the guilt of leaving an extra workload on those of you who are already overextended, and I wait for tomorrow with great anticipation, eager to return. This is not something that I wanted to do, and I humbly beg your forgiveness.

Sincerely,

The New Willie

Posted in The Corp Whore, Willie and tagged ,

Willie: Thank You For Calling In

The last day of every month is a busy time at the company that I work for. Our sales quotas are broken down to a monthly cycle, so the last business day of the month is when most salespeople try to cram in as much work as they can to either hit their goal or push themselves a bit past it. It’s also the day where most of our clients squeeze in a lot of last minute business, because we typically close on an end-of-month cycle. Because of this, my manager generally doesn’t let anyone take time off on the last day of the month since we’re usually swamped. And my boss is a wise, wise man – I will never question his actions.

Yesterday was the last day of the month, and Phil called the manager to say that he’s taking the day off because a long lost cousin of his is in town today, and he doesn’t know when he’ll get a chance to see him again. Phil’s a good guy, so I take his word on that. My manager, in his infinite wisdom / using sound judgment, grants Phil the day off. Again, i’m not one to argue. My boss knows about managing much more than I ever will. Besides, being one person short in the office means that I get to experience the joy of working a few more hours, perhaps into the night, and spending even more time in the presence of my beloved colleagues.

To add on to that, Phil’s best friend (who wasn’t included in the video), called in about 10 minutes after Phil did. Before I reformed my views about working here, I would have accused Phil and his friend of lying, because they used to occasionally call in so they could play golf together. The new Willie wouldn’t dare accuse them of such a thing. Although the weather is a mild, sunny 72 degrees today, i’ll take them for their word, even with Phil’s long lost relative in mind.

The extra call in seals the deal for me. Not only will I be here until 9pm, soaking in valuable overtime - who says that extra hours should be planned out? – but i’ll have the fortune of skipping lunch, sacrificing those unnecessary, fattening midday calories. The old Willie would have been upset at the idea of a 14 hour workday, but the new me knows that working well into the night builds character. Having a social life is grossly overrated. I don’t need friends or relationships – I need this job. I want this job. I….. I LOVE this job so much that i’m willing to make whatever sacrifice is necessary to add to the bottom line.

The old Willie would have performed a “revenge call in” the very next day, usually referencing the same reason that the sick person did. After all, when one person in the office gets sick it usually spreads, right? I know now that revenge call ins aren’t the answer. Absenteeism in any form is a detriment to the productivity of any company. While I respect my coworkers’ reasons for not coming to work, and my supervisor’s generous granting of the time off, I could not possibly live with myself if I wasn’t in the office to contribute to the company’s bottom line. So with a stiff upper lip and a freshly tied tie, I look forward to facing the workday and missing another sunset.

Posted in The Corp Whore, Willie and tagged ,

Willie: I Am Thankful For “Call Night”

“Call Night.”
Two of the most dreaded word in the world of sales. Every sales job that i’ve had, including this one, has required me to occasionally participate in the idiotic ritual of “dialing for dollars”. Today, my boss has decided that we need to stay for an extra 3 hours after work to drum up some money for the company. In my experiences, this has always been a HUGE waste of time.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life, and I have the pleasure of celebrating that day by participating in a “call night” at work.

For the uninitiated, call nights in the sales industry are opportunities for sales professionals to spend a couple of extra hours after their normal workday normally ends, hitting the phones to reach out to clients that you otherwise couldn’t reach during the day. I applaud whoever came up with this concept, because the 10 hours that I typically work in any given day are simply not enough for me. My boss is particularly charitable when it comes to holding call nights; he ups the ante even  further by surprising us with the announcement of the event the day that it happens! Isn’t that great???!!!!????

As I made my morning commute today, speeding out of control to ensure that I got to work at 7am, I thought to myself: “Willie – what can you do today to guarantee that you’ll stay in the office well past 6pm? You made plans to relax this evening, but what can you do to absolutely lay those plans to waste?”

My manager, as always, provided the solution. During our daily morning debrief, he informed us that a mandatory call night was taking place today, and that we shouldn’t expect to leave before 8:30 pm. My wishes have been answered! Now I don’t have to deal with the nightmarish 6pm commute! The roads are empty at 8:30 pm. If we’re lucky, he’ll call for another debrief after the call night and stretch it to 9pm. That way, I can come home and immediately crash from exhaustion.

I’d like to take this time to thank my supervisor and upper management for their insight and infinite wisdom. Because of their intervention, I am on a path to redemption that should alter the course of my life for the better. My Employee Wellness Counselor is a delight to work with. Although my blood work contained absolutely to trace of alcohol, i’m aware that alcoholism is a psychological disease, and an indicator of larger underlying issues.

So I say again, thanks to all for stopping the train wreck of my life. I look forward to participating in the mandatory call night later this evening, and later enjoying the drive home – well after sundown.

Posted in The Corp Whore, Willie and tagged ,

Just To Get In The Pants (Willie)

First day back from training, and my punk ass boss is on the sack again…

He tells me that I need to “step up my production” this week because of the 2 days in training. I still have to meet my weekly goals or whatever. What he doesn’t understand is, I have two gripes about that:

1. He’s the one that set me up for training that I didn’t need in the first place. It’s his fault that I was away from the office for nearly half the week.

2. (And most importantly) FUCK him.

Okay, the 2nd one might be a difficult point to sell to him, but I can only do so much. But I do go over the first point with him, and remind him that I was behind in my weekly sales because I WASN”T THERE. To which he replies:

“So you basically did what you had to do just to get in the pants.”

{???}

“When you interviewed for the job, you basically told me what you thought I wanted to hear just to get the job. Now i’m starting to realize that a lot of it, if not most, was BS.”

(He got me there. No argument. He makes it sound like a bad thing. But I have to play along.)

“I don’t follow you – you’re saying that I LIED in my interview???”

“No – but it’s kind of like meeting a girl for the first time. You might say what needs to be said to get in her pants.” (Note the inappropriateness of his statement.)

“Such as-”

” Such as calling yourself a ‘people person’. You’re the furthest thing from. In fact, i’ve never seen anyone with as much disdain for people until you came along.”

{shrug}

“But I get my numbers.”

“Numbers aren’t everything.”

“But you only evaluate our numbers. I’ve never seen ‘plays well with others’ in my annual review.”

“Besides the point. Anyway – you were also smiling and upbeat in your interview. I don’t think i’ve seen you smile once since you’ve actually started working.”

“How is that a lie? I never said that I would be perky and winsome all the time.”

“Well, your body language that day betrayed me. You came across with more energy than you actually show on a day to day basis.”

“I interviewed with you at around 9 in the morning. I was still rested. You’re not gonna get the same Willie after 8 hours of work.”

“I don’t buy it.”

“But my numbers…”

“Your numbers are good, but I expect more from you.”

“Is that a company thing, or is that your personal expectation?”

“It’s besides the point. You also said in your interview that your career path eventually led to management within the company. You’ve been here for a while and haven’t even remotely indicated that you’re interested in advancement.”

“I’m good where I am. No nee to take on additional responsibility just yet.”

“Don’t you even want to put feelers out there to see where your career track goes?”

“I know where it goes. The next step is your job.”

{Crickets}

Posted in The Corp Whore, Willie and tagged ,

Being Re-trained Part 2 (Willie)

Today i’m going to conclude my “retraining” arc with a couple of clowns from my training class.

The Germophobe- I had the pleasure of sitting next to a woman who carried around a 20 oz container of hand sanitizer at all times. No, this isn’t travel size – this is like a half gallon of milk sized hand sanitizer. She pillaged that poor bottle of hand sanitizer like her life depended on it. She literally rubbed in a couple of squirts every 10 minutes, even if she was just sitting there staring at the Powerpoint presentation. There would 9:59 of silence, followed by *skeetskeet*. It annoyed the shit out of me.

The Brotha Who Wants To Be Down – Black folks are a rarity in corporate America, relatively speaking. There’s usually no more than 2 or 3 of  us in any given training class of about 30 people. So it’s inevitable that a couple of them will tend to gravitate towards each other. I hate doing that shit because I always imagine a roomful of judgmental eyes staring daggers at us, trying to figure out what we’re “up to” or whatever. When we headed out for lunch yesterday, one of the 2 other black dudes in class (who I’d never spoken to before this moment) ran over to me on some:

“What’s up for lunch?”

{noncommittal, blank stare}

“You doing anything for lunch?”

{Trying to come up with a believable excuse}

“Cause me and Jerry (the other black dude, not his real name) were gonna head over to Popeyes.”

I’m not making this up.

And i’m thinking that going to Popeye’s with the only other black folks in the class is definitely not a good look.

“I’m gonna have to pass, man. Gotta make a quick run. Appreciate the invite though.” (That usually works)

“Oh really? Where you headed to?”

{Mother FUCKER is it your business?}

“Just gonna get an oil change a few blocks from here. Been needing one for weeks. I’ll probably get some chips or something. I’m not that hungry.” (As my stomach grumbles)

“All good, big man. {big man?}We’ll catch you on the rebound. We’re also going to a happy hour at (insert name of hood bar on the northside here) after work. You oughta fall through.”

{Why should I fall through? In the 45 seconds of conversation that we’ve shared, what has led you to assume that I need to show up at a hood ass bar, completely out of my element, to sit around and ignore people that I don’t even care to know?}

“I’ll see what’s up – depends on how I feel when we get out. They’ve been wearing us down during these sessions.”

When we were dismissed at the end of the day, old dude tried to make eye contact from across the room to see if I was going. I already had both feet out the door.

Posted in The Corp Whore, Willie and tagged ,

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