If you work in sales like I do, then you’re probably as fortunate as I am to experience “sales meetings” and the accompanying “sales huddles”. In the world of commissioned sales, there’s never a reason to work only 40 hours a week. My manager is a genius when it comes to ensuring that we start our work days as early as humanly possible, and ending them well after you mere mortals would typically end your work day.

Up until a year ago, we had a weekly sales conference call on Monday mornings at 7am, hosted by our ever so gracious Regional Sales Manager. The calls didn’t really focus on sales, but played out as a roll call / cheerleading session where each branch in the company would scream into the telephone to prove that they were the most awake. For about the last 30 minutes or so, the regional dude would talk about market numbers that made little or no sense to our feeble minds, then sent us on our way.

About 6 months ago, we were graced with the arrival of a second weekly call, this one on Friday. The Friday call reviews the numbers that were issued on Monday, and gives each branch another opportunity to out-scream the others.

And now in an effort to impress his supervisor, my manager holds “sales huddles” twice a day. The morning huddles are designed to repeat what our regional guy said on the Monday call, and to praise my colleagues who are knocking their numbers out of the park. It’s also an opportune time to publicly humiliate those employees who aren’t quite making the cut, or at the very least not fixing their numbers like the top sales guys in my office usually do. This is also where we make our daily sales commitments.

We also have an afternoon huddle at 5, which realls serves to prevent anyone from leaving work at what they might consider a reasonable time. This huddles is used to compare our daily sales results to our commitments, and to address any operational concerns. The old Willie hated the afternoon huddles because he was accustomed to running out the door at 4:59 every day. The new Willie relishes having to spend a full hour in an evening huddle, and being released from said meeting with at least another hour of work and report-generating waiting at his desk. I  can never spend too much time at work.

You wanna know the most brilliant part about having all of these meetings? I ran the numbers, and I spend about 8 hours a week in meetings. That’s a full workday for most of you. Be jealous. While i’m working the equivalent of 6 days each week, I take pride in knowing that i’m spending a solid day each week listening to people cheer and talk about the same set of numbers every single day.

C’mon, dude.

The new Willie is putting a lot of work these days. I sweat through my suit every single day because I believe in being successful at what I do, and increasing the company’s bottom line. The only period of solace that I get during the day is that hour (or less) that I get in the middle of the day for lunch.

Yesterday I got up extra early to grill a nice, fresh chicken breast for lunch, along with some broccoli and rice. I’m trying to get right, you know. I packaged it in an airtight, recyclable plastic container and then wrapped the whole thing in a Target bag. Secured with a knot, mind you. You’d have to cut it open to get into it.

So imagine my dismay when I open the fridge at lunch, only to discover that the bag had been torn open. Somebody opened the bag to see what was in it! They couldn’t have possibly confused it for another Target bag, because mine was the only one in there. But I see these types at every job – lunch molesters. They troll through the fridge looking for bits and pieces of other people’s food because they’re too _______ cheap to get their own.

Sorry – the new Willie got a little carried away. That’s not in my nature.

Luckily, the food inside my container was untouched. I launched an immediate inquiry, but couldn’t turn up any leads. Nobody wants to be a breakroom snitch. I get it. Somebody’s lunch gets molested and nobody wants to do anything about it? Fine. I’m watching all of you. Whenever you go into the breakroom i’m right behind you, breathing over your shoulder.

I will  find out who violated my lunch, and you will answer to me. Believe that.

Dear Ol’ Dude:

Just for the record, we’re still cool. I know that I have trouble remembering your name, but i’ll eventually get it. Anyway – here’s my gripe:

While I can appreciate the fact that you work just as hard as anyone in this building, there are certain times where you just have to stay home. I hardly ever get sick, and when I do it’s usually because of coworkers who show up and spread their sickness around. Case in point: you showing up at work with pinkeye the week before last.

When I shook your hand that Thursday morning and saw your crusty, reddened eye, I knew it was too late. I ran to the restroom and immediately washed my hands. If I could have doused my eyes with hand sanitizer without the fear of blindness, I would have. That Friday, I woke up with a little dryness in my eye. That Saturday, pinkeye was in full effect.

As you should know by now, the new Willie hates to miss work. I would have gladly gouged my eye out if it meant not having to call in, but having two eyes is pretty important to me. Do you know how hard it was for me to call in last Monday? I can’t lie – I cursed your name not because you gave me pinkeye, but because you kept me away from the one thing that has come to define my life – my job. While it’s true that I went to the doctor and he prescribed some stuff that cleared it up by Tuesday, I reluctantly volunteered to call in for the rest of the week because 1)I didn’t want any latent / residual traces of pinkeye to infect anybody else and 2), I wanted to see if you had infected others.

So as I sat home all week and caught up on my DVR viewing, longing to return to work even though I was medically cleared to do so, my thoughts went out to those who may have been affected by your indiscretion. Like I said – we’re still cool, but you need to keep your sickness at home next time.

Willie

In light of recent events, let me first disclaim that this post has nothing to do with anything at my current employer. This is about a general concept based on past experiences. Besides, the new Willie wouldn’t put his company on blast.

I’ve never fully understood the concept of “self evaluations”. (Honestly, never partially understood them either.) You know what these are? It’s when you have a review coming up soon and upper management asks you to give yourself a review before they give it to you. The alleged purpose is to allow you to compare your perception of your performance to management’s. The theory is – if you think that you’re a 4 out of 5 employee and management thinks you’re a 3 out of 5, then there’s a disconnect between what you feel is required to perform, and the company’s expectations. You probably see where i’m going with this, but i’ll get to that in a minute.

I’ve done these evaluations every year for every job that i’ve had, and i’m befuddled by their uselessness. I call them useless for a number of reasons; the main one being that nearly every employee of every company has a fairly good idea of how their performance measures up. Even the screw ups know that they’re screwing up. When someone is serious about their job, I tend to believe that they have a fairly accurate idea of how well they fit within the company.

But here’s the rub:

The self evaluation is mostly a psychological tool to make you believe that you’re not doing well enough, even if you’re doing well. I’ve had jobs where i’ve blown numbers out of the park and have had client satisfaction scores that were through the roof, but fail to get an appropriate score because management feels that I should “exhibit more leadership”, for example. The biggest secret of the self evaluation is that when management runs their version, there’s never a perfect score. Ever. Even if you show empirical proof that you’ve exceeded expectations in every category, they’re going to score you lower because want you to produce even more. Tell me if i’m lying.

With that being said, we’re having annual reviews at the end of the month, and i’m expecting my self review sometime next week. The new Willie accepts this as an opportunity to fairly assess his profitability to the company, and with the guidance of management, uncover some opportunities for improvement and development. I welcome any feedback that results in my becoming a more perfect employee. I’ll definitely fill you guys in once it’s done.

-Willie-

Dear young people at the job:

I wanted to take a few moments to share some of my new found universal wisdom with you. Because of my recent enlightenment and current probational status, i’ve learned to look at the workplace in a completely different light. I was once where you are: young, spirited, vibrant, eager to share my life experiences with everyone within earshot. But now that i’m in my mid 30s I understand the value of keeping my head to the grindstone at work.

Before you start to assume that this letter is going in a certain direction, let me make it clear that I have nothing but absolute admiration for all of you. I find myself perpetually amused by your anecdotes about going to the club 5 nights a week. Your tales of trying to bed young, drunken, unsuspecting women against their will are totally appropriate in a work setting. Watching the small group of you joking and playing around while the rest of us are working 12 hours a day is not unlike watching children at play – it makes my heart smile. I’m fond of your ability to bring all of your relationship drama into the workplace, especially since the nature of my job prohibits me from ever holding onto a meaningful relationship.

Thank you for giving your baby’s father the phone number to the office. I feel honored to screen your calls for you even though you have a cell phone. Some of the arguments that you have with him during office hours are also appropriate for the workplace. Through your conversations with him, I understand that he could be a better father; heck , all of us understand because we hear every conversation that you have with him. I’m especially fond of the fact that you find it necessary to debrief us after each call, without realizing that we could hear your entire conversation.

To the young college grads who are making as much as I am even though i’ve been in the industry over 10 years: congratulations. The industry has rewarded you for your inexperience. Hopefully we’ll all still remain in contact 10 years from now when the industry begins to erode your salary and hires people 10 years your junior who are willing to do your job at half the price.

To the young dudes who’ve never had a “real” job before this one: I appreciate your invites to happy hour every single week. Although i’ve never accepted your invitation and never will, i’m nonetheless impressed by your persistence. Please…. continue to ask me every single week, and i’ll keep coming up with new and inventive ways to say “no”.

Fianlly, I want to thank all of you for your absenteeism. When I was hired on a while back, I was sold on a meager 8 hour workday. Because most of you call in on a routine basis, I have the pleasure of covering your workloads and working anywhere from 10-12 hours on a given day. That’s a blessing that wouldn’t be possible without management’s unwillingness to do a damn thing about it you wanting to experience life in its fullness outside of work. The old Willie used most of the excuses that you all use to skip work, though I must admit that some of his were a lot more imaginative than yours. I’d include some examples here, but the new Willie isn’t too proud of his past.

In conclusion, i’d like to thank management for hiring you based on your ability to charm them during the interview, and not on your merits. It really shows that they base their decisions on your ability to make an impression, and not on your actual experience and qualifications. It’s definitely made this company a more interesting place to work for.

-Willie-

I woke up this morning and rejoiced, because I realized that my life is so much better than yours.

While the rest of you were slumbering away your Saturday to kick off the 3 day weekend, I was in full suit and tie at the crack of dawn. I pulled down an 8 hour shift before most of you turned over for your afternoon nap. A 3 day weekend for you is a 2 day weekend for me. How can you stand to be away from your office for a full 72 hours? This is the company that feeds you and keeps clothes on your back!  If you were as loyal as I am, you’d find a way to minimize the amount of time that you spend away from your job.

I just sat around the house on Monday, twiddling my thumbs because I don’t have any hobbies. Work is my hobby. I spend 2/3 of my waking life there, so I don’t think of anything except work when i’m away from the office. I eagerly wanted to trade the pseudo-comfort of my well-worn couch for the rigid, ill-fitting seat that I normally occupy for upwards of 12 hours a day. This is the new Willie.

The old Willie would have called in sick on Friday and made it a 4 day weekend. In light of my recent… enlightenment, the new Willie knows that this is unacceptable behavior. Weekends are not made for sleeping. I feel guilty for being so rested right now. I slept for nearly 12 hours Sunday night. Man was not meant to be at rest. Man was meant to work 12 hours a day and sleep for only 3.

So while the rest of you watched your life go by for nearly 72 hours, I was making a valuable contribution to my company’s bottom line. I pity you for having so much idle time on your hands. Come work with me and see how much more fulfilling your life could be.

Now I just have to figure out what to do about Thanksgiving… i’m sure they’ll find a way to make me take that day off..

I am riddled with guilt today.

Yesterday I commented that I was looking forward to a 14 hour workday because 2 of my coworkers called in. Well, the company sought to make me more of a man and tacked 2 more hours on to that. Thus, my work day began at 7 am and ended at 11pm. Most people would complain about spending 2/3 of a day at work, but this is the new Willie. New Willie knows that sometimes (meaning 4 times a week) you just have to hunker down and grin and bear it. Doing someone else’s work for them while they’re out golfing can be quite a fulfilling experience. At the very least, I can say that i’ve gained valuable experience in working through adversity, right?

The unfortunate side effect of all this is that my body was absolutely fatigued when I woke up morning. I couldn’t even make it to my feet. In fact, I had to crawl to my computer to type this post. I had no choice but to – gulp – call in today. I tried, yet failed to muster up the strength to pull through my condition; but alas, my body could move no further. A part of my soul wept as I lifted my 3 ounce phone, which felt like the burden of Atlas upon his shoulders. It took what seemed like forever for me to dial the 10 digits to my supervisor’s desk. He answered; my voice, trembling and remorseful, informed him that I was physically incapable of coming in today. Despite his most passionate pleas, I regrettably could not bring myself to go to work. I ended my call and went back to sleep, utterly disappointed in my inability to persevere.

Mind you, this was not a “revenge call in”. My conscience no longer allows for that. I need this day of rest so that I am fully capable of making a full contribution to the company upon my return. I apologize to any coworkers who are affected by my absence. I intentionally locked my desk yesterday so that no one would be burdened with my work if I should ever unexpectedly call in today. My heart aches with the guilt of leaving an extra workload on those of you who are already overextended, and I wait for tomorrow with great anticipation, eager to return. This is not something that I wanted to do, and I humbly beg your forgiveness.

Sincerely,

The New Willie

The last day of every month is a busy time at the company that I work for. Our sales quotas are broken down to a monthly cycle, so the last business day of the month is when most salespeople try to cram in as much work as they can to either hit their goal or push themselves a bit past it. It’s also the day where most of our clients squeeze in a lot of last minute business, because we typically close on an end-of-month cycle. Because of this, my manager generally doesn’t let anyone take time off on the last day of the month since we’re usually swamped. And my boss is a wise, wise man – I will never question his actions.

Yesterday was the last day of the month, and Phil called the manager to say that he’s taking the day off because a long lost cousin of his is in town today, and he doesn’t know when he’ll get a chance to see him again. Phil’s a good guy, so I take his word on that. My manager, in his infinite wisdom / using sound judgment, grants Phil the day off. Again, i’m not one to argue. My boss knows about managing much more than I ever will. Besides, being one person short in the office means that I get to experience the joy of working a few more hours, perhaps into the night, and spending even more time in the presence of my beloved colleagues.

To add on to that, Phil’s best friend (who wasn’t included in the video), called in about 10 minutes after Phil did. Before I reformed my views about working here, I would have accused Phil and his friend of lying, because they used to occasionally call in so they could play golf together. The new Willie wouldn’t dare accuse them of such a thing. Although the weather is a mild, sunny 72 degrees today, i’ll take them for their word, even with Phil’s long lost relative in mind.

The extra call in seals the deal for me. Not only will I be here until 9pm, soaking in valuable overtime - who says that extra hours should be planned out? – but i’ll have the fortune of skipping lunch, sacrificing those unnecessary, fattening midday calories. The old Willie would have been upset at the idea of a 14 hour workday, but the new me knows that working well into the night builds character. Having a social life is grossly overrated. I don’t need friends or relationships – I need this job. I want this job. I….. I LOVE this job so much that i’m willing to make whatever sacrifice is necessary to add to the bottom line.

The old Willie would have performed a “revenge call in” the very next day, usually referencing the same reason that the sick person did. After all, when one person in the office gets sick it usually spreads, right? I know now that revenge call ins aren’t the answer. Absenteeism in any form is a detriment to the productivity of any company. While I respect my coworkers’ reasons for not coming to work, and my supervisor’s generous granting of the time off, I could not possibly live with myself if I wasn’t in the office to contribute to the company’s bottom line. So with a stiff upper lip and a freshly tied tie, I look forward to facing the workday and missing another sunset.

“Call Night.”
Two of the most dreaded word in the world of sales. Every sales job that i’ve had, including this one, has required me to occasionally participate in the idiotic ritual of “dialing for dollars”. Today, my boss has decided that we need to stay for an extra 3 hours after work to drum up some money for the company. In my experiences, this has always been a HUGE waste of time.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life, and I have the pleasure of celebrating that day by participating in a “call night” at work.

For the uninitiated, call nights in the sales industry are opportunities for sales professionals to spend a couple of extra hours after their normal workday normally ends, hitting the phones to reach out to clients that you otherwise couldn’t reach during the day. I applaud whoever came up with this concept, because the 10 hours that I typically work in any given day are simply not enough for me. My boss is particularly charitable when it comes to holding call nights; he ups the ante even  further by surprising us with the announcement of the event the day that it happens! Isn’t that great???!!!!????

As I made my morning commute today, speeding out of control to ensure that I got to work at 7am, I thought to myself: “Willie – what can you do today to guarantee that you’ll stay in the office well past 6pm? You made plans to relax this evening, but what can you do to absolutely lay those plans to waste?”

My manager, as always, provided the solution. During our daily morning debrief, he informed us that a mandatory call night was taking place today, and that we shouldn’t expect to leave before 8:30 pm. My wishes have been answered! Now I don’t have to deal with the nightmarish 6pm commute! The roads are empty at 8:30 pm. If we’re lucky, he’ll call for another debrief after the call night and stretch it to 9pm. That way, I can come home and immediately crash from exhaustion.

I’d like to take this time to thank my supervisor and upper management for their insight and infinite wisdom. Because of their intervention, I am on a path to redemption that should alter the course of my life for the better. My Employee Wellness Counselor is a delight to work with. Although my blood work contained absolutely to trace of alcohol, i’m aware that alcoholism is a psychological disease, and an indicator of larger underlying issues.

So I say again, thanks to all for stopping the train wreck of my life. I look forward to participating in the mandatory call night later this evening, and later enjoying the drive home – well after sundown.

I got a letter from the company the other day. I opened and read it. It said… well, you saw what it said.

Here’s my HR-approved, legally safe response to the cease and desist letter served by my employer.