You may have noticed that I didn’t post anything on Monday. That’s because I spent all day at HR dealing with this “cease and desist” letter that I received from my job. I’ll have a response tomorrow. Full text after the jump:
… Continue Reading
Posted in The Corp Whore, Willie and tagged cease and desist, willie
Sorry that I haven’t been around for the last couple of days. Ran out of vodka. Got some Grey Goose today, and now I can cope with the world.
Right before I left you hanging, I was whining about the different types of assholes customers that I tend to shun when they trudge into my place of business looking for help. Let’s continue:
Inconsiderate jackass on phone: Forget anything that I said before – this is probably my greatest pet peeve of all. I will NEVER understand why someone would walk into a place of business and expect any type of consultation when their phone is basically crammed up their ass. Logic would dictate that one would complete their phone call prior to initiating an exchange with someone from whom they seek assistance. It irks me to no end, especially when they try to initiate the interaction with a series of hand gestures because their call trumps whatever my punk ass is going to do for them right now. I usually try to ignore them and leave them in the waiting area, but there’s always that one asshole person that jumps up and makes his way to my office, the whole time engrossed in a phone conversation. But I always have something for that. I wait for them to sit down, pull out whatever documentation that they brought with them, and get completely settled in. Then I get up from my desk without saying another word, and don’t come back for at least 10 minutes. I’ll probably go to the restroom to take a dump, or head to another floor in the building altogether. By the time I get back to my desk, they’re usually perplexed: “Where have you been?”
“I saw that you were still on a call. So out of common courtesy to you, I let you finish up the more important task instead of interrupting your call. We can get started now.”
And right when they start spilling out what they need, I pretend as if my manager is trying to catch my attention, and excuse myself for 15 minutes.
The Person Who Doesn’t Wrap It Up: Mostly happens with old people. It’s no secret that I don’t particularly care for the general public. State the nature of your business; let me do what I do; be out. That third step is essential to my well-being. I don’t want to hear your life story.I don’t want to talk about sports. I don’t give a shit about what happened on American Idol. BE OUT. Go.If I stand up from my desk and thank you for coming in, get the hint. If I actually walk out of my office with my back turned to you and you keep talking, then you’re an absolute idiot. Be out.
The Person That Pulls On The Door After Business Hours, Looks At The Hours Posted On The Door, Pulls The Door Again, Then Knocks On The Door: You are absolutely the most idiotic of the idiotic. I pray that you do not reproduce. Did you think that by looking at the hours and noticing that you arrived 15 minutes after it says the office is closed, that the doors would magically open? You’re a moron. A buffoon.Can you just not accept the fact that you didn’t make it on time? After pulling on the door and failing twice, why would you knock? We made it crystal clear that we didn’t want you in here because WE LOCKED THE DOORS. And if we answer your knock through the closed door, your first question, 9 times out of 10 is “Are you closed?”
Go fuck choke yourself.
As you can tell, the Grey Goose is taking over. I’ll introduce you to my co-workers next.
Posted in The Corp Whore, Willie
I’ve said many times before that I work in sales. One character trait that’s essential to being successful in sales is the willingness to help people identify their needs, and to provide a solution that meets those needs. I usually don’t have a problem doing that – usually. I consider myself a pretty tolerant person, one who doesn’t usually let his own opinions or prejudices dictate the level of service that I provide. However, i’ve become a different person altogether since i’ve joined this company; having compiled an unofficial list of people that i’ve just decided not to work with. I don’t believe that every potential client deserves my level expertise, and have no problem with not accommodating to the undesirables:
-Willie-
Tomorrow: Why I Won’t Help You Part 2
Wednesday: You’ll finally get to meet my co workers
twitter.com/thecorpwhore
Posted in The Corp Whore, Willie
First day back from training, and my punk ass boss is on the sack again…
He tells me that I need to “step up my production” this week because of the 2 days in training. I still have to meet my weekly goals or whatever. What he doesn’t understand is, I have two gripes about that:
1. He’s the one that set me up for training that I didn’t need in the first place. It’s his fault that I was away from the office for nearly half the week.
2. (And most importantly) FUCK him.
Okay, the 2nd one might be a difficult point to sell to him, but I can only do so much. But I do go over the first point with him, and remind him that I was behind in my weekly sales because I WASN”T THERE. To which he replies:
“So you basically did what you had to do just to get in the pants.”
{???}
“When you interviewed for the job, you basically told me what you thought I wanted to hear just to get the job. Now i’m starting to realize that a lot of it, if not most, was BS.”
(He got me there. No argument. He makes it sound like a bad thing. But I have to play along.)
“I don’t follow you – you’re saying that I LIED in my interview???”
“No – but it’s kind of like meeting a girl for the first time. You might say what needs to be said to get in her pants.” (Note the inappropriateness of his statement.)
“Such as-”
” Such as calling yourself a ‘people person’. You’re the furthest thing from. In fact, i’ve never seen anyone with as much disdain for people until you came along.”
{shrug}
“But I get my numbers.”
“Numbers aren’t everything.”
“But you only evaluate our numbers. I’ve never seen ‘plays well with others’ in my annual review.”
“Besides the point. Anyway – you were also smiling and upbeat in your interview. I don’t think i’ve seen you smile once since you’ve actually started working.”
“How is that a lie? I never said that I would be perky and winsome all the time.”
“Well, your body language that day betrayed me. You came across with more energy than you actually show on a day to day basis.”
“I interviewed with you at around 9 in the morning. I was still rested. You’re not gonna get the same Willie after 8 hours of work.”
“I don’t buy it.”
“But my numbers…”
“Your numbers are good, but I expect more from you.”
“Is that a company thing, or is that your personal expectation?”
“It’s besides the point. You also said in your interview that your career path eventually led to management within the company. You’ve been here for a while and haven’t even remotely indicated that you’re interested in advancement.”
“I’m good where I am. No nee to take on additional responsibility just yet.”
“Don’t you even want to put feelers out there to see where your career track goes?”
“I know where it goes. The next step is your job.”
{Crickets}
Posted in The Corp Whore, Willie and tagged interviewing, willie
Today i’m going to conclude my “retraining” arc with a couple of clowns from my training class.
The Germophobe- I had the pleasure of sitting next to a woman who carried around a 20 oz container of hand sanitizer at all times. No, this isn’t travel size – this is like a half gallon of milk sized hand sanitizer. She pillaged that poor bottle of hand sanitizer like her life depended on it. She literally rubbed in a couple of squirts every 10 minutes, even if she was just sitting there staring at the Powerpoint presentation. There would 9:59 of silence, followed by *skeetskeet*. It annoyed the shit out of me.
The Brotha Who Wants To Be Down – Black folks are a rarity in corporate America, relatively speaking. There’s usually no more than 2 or 3 of us in any given training class of about 30 people. So it’s inevitable that a couple of them will tend to gravitate towards each other. I hate doing that shit because I always imagine a roomful of judgmental eyes staring daggers at us, trying to figure out what we’re “up to” or whatever. When we headed out for lunch yesterday, one of the 2 other black dudes in class (who I’d never spoken to before this moment) ran over to me on some:
“What’s up for lunch?”
{noncommittal, blank stare}
“You doing anything for lunch?”
{Trying to come up with a believable excuse}
“Cause me and Jerry (the other black dude, not his real name) were gonna head over to Popeyes.”
I’m not making this up.
And i’m thinking that going to Popeye’s with the only other black folks in the class is definitely not a good look.
“I’m gonna have to pass, man. Gotta make a quick run. Appreciate the invite though.” (That usually works)
“Oh really? Where you headed to?”
{Mother FUCKER is it your business?}
“Just gonna get an oil change a few blocks from here. Been needing one for weeks. I’ll probably get some chips or something. I’m not that hungry.” (As my stomach grumbles)
“All good, big man. {big man?}We’ll catch you on the rebound. We’re also going to a happy hour at (insert name of hood bar on the northside here) after work. You oughta fall through.”
{Why should I fall through? In the 45 seconds of conversation that we’ve shared, what has led you to assume that I need to show up at a hood ass bar, completely out of my element, to sit around and ignore people that I don’t even care to know?}
“I’ll see what’s up – depends on how I feel when we get out. They’ve been wearing us down during these sessions.”
When we were dismissed at the end of the day, old dude tried to make eye contact from across the room to see if I was going. I already had both feet out the door.
Posted in The Corp Whore, Willie and tagged training, willie
So here’s the deal:
As I said in my intro video, I work in sales for this wack little regional company. Every few months or so, they come up with a new “selling method” that they want us to employ. Which means that every few months i’m taken out of the office for nearly a week to participate in this absolute waste of time. Mind you – i’m on full commission.
The first thing that they tell us is to forget everything that we learned in the last session, which could have been as recently as 4 weeks ago.This is the way that things are being done now, it’s been piloted, at least 2 people in the entire company have found success doing it, and you don’t really have a choice.
My biggest issue with all of this is that i’ve been here longer than most of the suckers that i’m in training with, so the instructors all know me. Which also means that i’m frequently called upon to “role-play” certain scenarios as they’re presented. I’m usually reluctant to participate because 1) I don’t want to dumb myself down to the level of the novices in the class and 2) I don’t want to seem like a show-off. On top of that, there’s always the prototypical cast of characters that make every training a personal hell:
The Jester- you can almost tell who knows the least about their job, because they’re the ones cracking the most jokes. There’s a young guy who’s only been in the position for about a week, and i’m absolutely certain that he doesn’t know jack shitabout the job. He tries to compensate for his inexperience by cracking jokes (unfunny jokes) around nearly every statement that’s made. It’s really annoying – i’m going to have to demonstrate on camera some day. Just know for now that he got on everyone’s nerves.
The Inappropriate White Dude- usually a young guy that’s trying to impress everybody with his “easy going” attitude. Tries so hard to prove that he’s “tolerant of others” that he sounds even more racist than I pre-judged him to be:
“What’s up brothah?”
“I went to a Mexican restaurant that had something called a “Gringo Enchilada”. I don’t think you could use any other derogatory term on a menu and get away with it. That’s like saying “Honkey Burger” or “Redneck Salad”. And yes, these were actual statements.
“I used to love me some NWA back in the day. But I never said the N-word around my friends. I only used it at home. Wait I didn’t mean it like that – I just meant to say that I didn’t use it at all.”
The Chick Who Has To Understand Everything- The lady in the class who has a follow-up question for EVERYTHING, even the insignificant stuff:
“When you say that we’re going to lunch around 12:30-ish, is the over under closer to 12:15 or 1:00?”
The Old Guy Who Switched Careers And Just Doesn’t Get It – I usually feel sorry for this person, because he often just quit a 20 year stint in a factory and is trying to start a new career before he retires in 3 years. Sometimes you even get the guy who’s never used a computer before, and complains about the words being too small. The guy in my class doesn’t have the first idea about what he’s being trained on, and keeps remarking that “back in the day, we didn’t need all these fancy selling tools; we just walked door to door with a briefcase and told them what they were getting.” That was obviously well before my time.
Since i’m in training for 2 days, i’ll continue this post tomorrow. It’ll give me something to do while i’m pretending to “self-study” in class.
Posted in The Corp Whore, Willie and tagged training, willie
I decided that i’d use my first official post to tell you how the saga of William Q. Turner began. It’s a story that needs to be told, because it foreshadows all of my experiences with future whoredom:
I became eligible for gainful employment nearly half a lifetime ago, when I turned 16. To say that I was eager to join the working class would be a gross understatement: I longed for the promise of financial freedom from my parents (side note – i’m still longing for it), and the pittance that i’d been receiving as an allowance just wasn’t going to cut it anymore. Like many of my friends, I applied for work at the local amusement park, a Six Flags affiliate called Astroworld (R.I.P. 1968 – 2005). The prospect of working there was like the fulfillment of a fantasy. I was a lifelong devotee to Astroworld, visiting at least a dozen times a year with my family; we had season passes for as long as I could remember.
One of the perks of working there was unlimitedvisits to the park! That benefit alone was worth signing my ass over to the powers that be. On top of that, i’d have the chance to work with a lot of my friends, and to act a fool with little to no adult supervision. Plus – i’d rake in a hefty $3.90 an hour, which was the prevailing minimum wage at the time. Sweet deal, right?
We’ll see.
The application process was pretty painless: I filled out a written application, took a writing test, and got hired. As you could imagine, this job had no need for qualifications. I was given a tour of the park’s underside, and told to choose which department I wanted to sell my soul to work in. The options included Rides, Games, janitorial services Park Services, Food Services, Parking Lot Services, Putting on Furry Costumes In The Heat, and the one that I settled on, Merchandising (a precursor to my future in sales). I picked Merchandising because virtually everyone in that department worked in air conditioned comfort. I wasn’t a big fan of the heat. Still not a fan of the heat.
When I got hired, they told me that I would work in Astroworld’s largest gift shop – the one by the front gate, which was cool with me because it had the coldest A/C. I remember walking out into the park on my first day, excited about pulling down $88 per week before taxes, ready to pull an 8 hour shift in some of the finest refrigerated air available…
But we stopped short.
There was a cart in front of the gift shop that sold a bunch of cheap shit, like yo-yos, paddleballs, and melted candy. My supervisor told the “burned to a crisp” fellow who was standing there that he was being relieved. I was the relief. I looked through the front door of the store that I was told i’d be working in. The other employees were having a jolly time laughing, joking around, and faking hospitality to the park’s patrons. I was standing 20 feet away from them in the unforgiving July heat, cursing the day I was born.
I numbed my mind by putting on a pair of oversized souvenir sunglasses and teaching myself how to play with the yo-yo. Nobody was interested in the cheap shit that I was selling. I stood out in the summer heat for 8 hours while the rest of the world frolicked; eventually mastering the paddleball and occasionally stealing samples of the melted candy.
Little did I know, at the age of 16, that my first job would serve as a metaphor for my future work experiences. There were good times, most notably the times where I wasn’t working. but the actual workpart of it was not unlike child slave labor. I’ll occasionally reference my Astroworld days in my future posts, because a lot of what I learned (or didn’t learn) back then applies to nearly every job that i’ve had since.
What was your first job? Comment or email me at corpwhore@corpwhore.com .
Posted in The Corp Whore, Willie and tagged astroworld, first job, willie
My name is Willie.
The good folks at CorpWhore.com invited me to their wonderful, yet utterly depressing site to share my experiences with you. See, I hate my job. I hate my job more than anything that I have ever hated. More than life itself. I’m on a career path to nowhere. I describe the outlook for my future as “mediocre at best”. I’m a number, a cog in the system. I’m remarkably average. I hate going to sleep at night because I know that when I wake up, tomorrow will be just as bad, if not worse, than today.
For some reason, CorpWhore.com felt like these qualities made me the ideal candidate to amuse you with storiesof my daily failures and shortcomings. Please laugh at my life, because I find it so very difficult to do so. Over the next several days, weeks, and possibly months, i’ll share my daily experiences as a corporate whore, and offer my unique insight into the impossibly hopeless world of Willie Turner.
All that I ask is this: share your stories too. I’ll probably off myself if I feel like the only one that’s going through this. Write, comment, send video – I don’t care. Let’s all be miserable together.
You can follow me and the rest of the CorpWhore crew on twitter – @thecorpwhore
Email your work stories to corpwhore@corpwhore.com , and we’ll publish them on the site. If you want to submit video testimonials like Willie just did, let’s make that happen too!
-William Q. Turner
Posted in The Corp Whore, Willie and tagged willie
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